Kristi,

I first want to say that this year has been one of the best of my life. No trips, no fancy purchases, no Kristi. But a good year. I still miss you, but the pain has eased. During this time in 2016, I was a big, emotional mess. I shut out some important people (including my husband) in order to find some way to sort out grieving your loss. I’m STILL grieving your loss and I am still mad at you for it. But I do love my life here and the people still alive in it-so I promise you I will try every day to be happy.

This year, Eric has been working hard and diligently in both careers as a police officer and an artillery officer in the National Guard. Lewis has learned to talk back to me and also recognizes my feelings and the feelings of others. Cici was born and it felt like she came straight from your arms.

Here is 2018 in pictures:

 

 

The year started where 2017 left: big, tired, sick, and pregnant. A lot of days were spent on the bed or couch with Lewis watching Willy Wonka, Greatest Showman, Lion King, Moana, and Leap Frog (which didn’t make me feel AS guilty).

Then on occasion, with the help and support of Eric, we got out of the house… Lewis even went to his first SUU basketball game with Grandma Jody and Joey. He also spent a lot of time with his very best friends. He loves going to Claire and Noah’s. Rachel and Ray Trujillo are some of my very favorite people for taking him once a week so he can spend time playing with Claire, Noah, baby James, Brooke, Sidney, and Miles (not pictured). Lewis especially loves playing with Sidney and tells me all about her pretty dresses.

Lewis turned three and also potty trained this year!

Then Cecilia Mae Heaps was born on April 17, 2018. She is perfect. And thank goodness her birth was so easy-because being pregnant with her was hell on earth and I was sick the entire 9 months.

She is now almost 9 months. She goes to bed at 5:30pm, wakes up between 7-8am, and loves everyone and everything. We love having her in our family. I am so grateful Lewis has a baby sister. He loves making her laugh. And she just learned to clap her hands!

I can’t believe we have two healthy, beautiful blonde babies. I can’t believe they’re mine and I am so grateful to be their mom.

We celebrated mom’s 60th birthday. We took family photos, went to the temple for you, ate at the last restaurant you and I went to together (Pizzeria 712), and missed you the entire day.

Oh, and I formed the Cedar City Synchronized Swim team and competed against some other teams in Las Vegas, Farmington, Provo, and San Clemente. It was the funniest thing I have ever done and I love the friends who chose to be silly with me.  This also helped distract me from the late-onset post-partum depression I was battling. Laughing always helps. I need to do more stuff like this. It also is a great way to find friends who also just want to freaking laugh their faces off and not care what our bodies look like after having babies. And rock that PP bod with pride.

 

Halloween was also fun.

It was this time that I emotionally, physically, and mentally hit rock bottom. I felt fat, depressed, overwhelmed, tired, and everything bad. I felt desperate and made a consultation appointment with a stranger at CrossFit Cedar City. I told him that I was depressed. I told him that I had been wanting to try Crossfit for a while but was too scared and also couldn’t afford it.

Then he told me how much a membership cost. I thanked him, went to my car, and bawled my eyes out because I knew we couldn’t afford it.

I made a plan and focused on solutions. With the help of my best friend, sister, and Eric’s support, I started teaching art lessons from home so I could afford my membership.

IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE.

I feel happy more often than not, I don’t shame myself when I look in the mirror, and most of all, I am learning every day to channel my grief of your loss, post-partum depression, and anxiety into my workouts. I love it. I love the people there.

I have a long way to go, but I’m going.

Photo credit: https://www.facebook.com/crossfitcedarcity/

Here are the last photos of the year:

This year has taught me to truly live my life without you physically here. I miss you, Kristi. I promise to keep trying every day until I see you again.

2018 was a good one.

Love,

Kari