2016-03-19T02:40:54+00:00

Kristi

March 19, 2016March 19, 2016/kariheaps/Leave a comment

For some reason, I am really good at not writing in my blog until I feel sorry for myself and need a place to vent or cry.

I lost my twin sister on March 7. You can read her obituary here. I have felt like I have been hit by a truck. It has been difficult, confusing, relieving, devastating, and sad. I have felt so sad. It’s a sadness that feels impossible to describe.

It’s funny because since Kristi and I have been living apart for so long, I mention to people that I am a twin and they get all excited. They ask the typical questions:

“You ARE?! I didn’t know you’re a TWIN!”

“Are you two alike?”

“Are you identical or…?”

“Where does she live?”

I don’t know how this conversation is going to go now moving forward without her. I want to make a pin to wear everywhere I go that says, “I have a twin sister. We are nothing alike. We also don’t look anything like each other. She died from a heroin overdose. And now I am learning how to live my life without her for the first time since I’ve existed on this earth.”

It’s also our birthday tomorrow. We always made special efforts to travel so we could spend our birthdays together. I think we only missed two or three. I was reminded that our birthday was coming up because I had an embarrassing breakdown at Sephora as I was checking out.

The check out girl insisted to look up my email to see if I was on their mailing list. She found my information and said, “Oh your birthday is coming up!! Happy birthday! Do you have anything fun planned?!”

I started bawling. Right there. In public as I was trying to pay and get out. She asked me what was wrong and I told her. It was awkward. I think she threw in a couple of extra samples for me and I went on my way to go home. Except I didn’t go home because my (Tommy and Shantay’s) car wouldn’t start. That’s another story.

Happy Birthday, Kristi. I love you.

Holly

September 28, 2015/kariheaps/Leave a comment

Ten years ago, we packed up the car with all of my stuff and drove an hour and a half to Ephraim, UT. I didn’t know a single person or any of my roommates. We unloaded the car, bought some healthy groceries (the very first time I had to get my own groceries), helped me get settled, and then drove back.

On the way there, she told me all about staying close to Heavenly Father while I am on my own. She told me to pray.

She warned me about watching what I ate and continuing to workout in order to avoid putting on the “freshman fifteen.”

She told me to call her anytime.

I did call her. A lot. and e-mailed. A lot. She gave me advice on what to do about my crazy roommates. She helped me figure out what to do about all the boys I dated. She told me to focus on church, art, school, and working out. So I did.

Then she started having babies. I lived with her in Las Vegas when she had my first nephew, Lennon. I watched her learn how to be a mom. She figured it out. She was remarkable.

She had three more kids. She teaches them how to love the Lord. She talks to them about Grandpa Ron and how special he was. She remembers Grandma Jewel and how she taught her to put a little lipstick on before her husband comes home from work. She is beautiful.

She has an incredible work ethic. She wakes up at 6am, works out, comes home, and tames all the wild beasts in her home like Wonder Woman. She reads to them. She listens to scriptures with them. She teaches them how to be good examples to their friends at school and church.

When I visit her, I pay attention to how she gets it all done. I listen to her advice.

She tells me that I need to stop stressing out. And to count my blessings.

She has helped me learn how to be a mom. A good mom. And to continue being healthy, happier, and grateful.

She has a strong testimony in faith, love, and service. Every time I have visited, she was always either putting together a gift basket, cooking a meal, or picking something up from the store for a friend in need.

She is constantly thinking of others. All the time. She has thought of me many times and has helped me when I needed her the most.

She is smart. She finished her Master’s Degree when she was pregnant with Lennon.

I look up to her. I am grateful for her and her testimony. She is one of the strongest women I know. I love her.

Little Glimpses of Light

August 12, 2015/kariheaps/1 Comment

Yesterday, I was doing laundry and realized that we were almost out of laundry soap. Then I actually started to wonder why laundry soap was so expensive. Then I started thinking about how money is a totally different thing to me now that we have a baby. It’s hard to not have enough money. It sucks.

Then my sister Holly showed up because she was driving through to Provo from Vegas. Her entire car was filled with groceries for us. Diapers, expensive healthy food I only dream about, and LAUNDRY SOAP. She is currently in the process moving her family of six to a new house and she stopped in the middle of her own chaos and thought of me. I will never forget how much that meant to me.

2. Tonight after putting the baby down to sleep, I went to my favorite hill in Cedar City and ran up and down that thing like a mad woman. The air was fresh and the sky was covered in clouds and colors. Being alone is good for me. Especially when I am drenched in sweat and outside. I am grateful Eric was home tonight so I could get out and be alone.

3. A friend posted a talk given by Elder Holland back in 1999, “Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence.” Read it. It might save you tonight if you feel a little defeated. It sure saved me.

4. Tonight after feeding Lewis, he was gazing at the light in his view. Usually, he does that, then gets distracted and chews on his hands or something. He didn’t do that tonight. He looked up at me in my eyes, smiled, and we both started laughing together. He would make a noise, then I would repeat it. Then we would both laugh. This lasted about five minutes. I think those five minutes were my favorite five minutes since becoming a mom.

In that moment, I felt pure joy. Joy that doesn’t come from buying a new shirt, or having awesome running shoes. This joy came straight from Heavenly Father. Lewis’s smile is a constant reminder to me that Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of my imperfections, fears, and worries. He is also aware that I am trying every day to be a little better.

These four moments are tender mercies to me during a difficult time. A time when I am trying to learn to be a good mom and a supportive and kind wife.. I have a bigger purpose than just cleaning up spit up, changing poopy diapers, and keeping up with the laundry (or not keeping up with the laundry). I need to be better at recognizing these glimpses of light and in turn, showing Heavenly Father my gratitude by serving Him through helping others.

Life with Lewis

July 23, 2015July 23, 2015/kariheaps/1 Comment

I told my mom a few weeks ago about how stressed I was.

No money,

in between jobs,

buying diapers,

paying bills (and not paying bills),

stress with my relationship with Eric,

trying to lose the baby weight,

no money to buy cute clothes that actually fit me (aka: not maternity and nothing I have to hold my breath in order to squeeze myself into)…

And then she paused and said, “Kari, all you have to do is look into your little baby’s eyes. That’s when you’ll realize this will all be worth it.”

Thanks mom. You’re right. He’s worth it.

In speaking of mothers generally, I especially wish to praise and encourage young mothers. The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. The young years are often those when either husband or wife—or both—may still be in school or in those earliest and leanest stages of developing the husband’s breadwinning capacities. Finances fluctuate daily between low and nonexistent. The apartment is usually decorated in one of two smart designs—Deseret Industries provincial or early Mother Hubbard. The car, if there is one, runs on smooth tires and an empty tank. But with night feedings and night teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life. It is not surprising when the shadows under their eyes sometimes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island.

…Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones. Husbands—especially husbands—as well as Church leaders and friends in every direction, be helpful and sensitive and wise. Remember, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”–Jeffery R. Holland, Because She Is a Mother

To every thing, there is a season and purpose. My purpose now is to be Lewis’s mother and Eric’s number one supporter. Right now is a season of faith, patience, learning, and humbling experiences.

Lewis will be four months old in one week. Right now, he is laughing and smiling, almost rolling over, and loves staring at Chase. He sleeps 10-11 hours straight through the night every night and takes good naps. He couldn’t be more perfect. I am lucky. I love him and I love my little family.

And I love my mom. I am so glad she’s around to help remind me of what’s really important.

Lewis Eric Heaps

April 28, 2015April 28, 2015/kariheaps/1 Comment

40 weeks, 1 day pregnant.

I wish I could have told myself in this picture to hang on just a little longer and be patient. He will come on Easter Sunday, April 5, 2015 and will be perfect.

I wish I could have told myself that all of the sleepless nights, weeks of painful contractions, endless crying over being huge and pregnant, would be worth every bit.

Here’s what happened:

It was Conference Weekend. Saturday night, I made Eric take me to Wal-Mart because I wanted to make us an Easter basket and dye Easter eggs (to try to get my mind off of being pregnant, having contractions, and to just get out of the house and do something that had to do with the holiday). So we went and walked around the store. We had to stop a few times because I started having some really good, take-your-breath-away contractions in the middle of isles at Wal-Mart. We picked out an Easter basket, candy, eggs, and went home.

The contractions kept coming. Really painful ones. But that wasn’t new because I have had contractions like these before for the last several weeks. I went to bed. I woke up around 4:30am in an extraordinary amount of pain. The contractions got stronger and closer. I woke up Eric and said, it’s time to go. This is it. I can’t handle this anymore. I knew I had to eat something before because I wouldn’t be able to in the hospital if we were to get admitted. Eric made me blueberry pancakes really quick, I ate them in between contractions, and we left.

I was 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

We arrived around 6:30am and was admitted shortly after. I was only dilated to a three. I had two nurses (one was training a new nurse); which meant I had to get checked two times, every time. They were warm, kind, and patient.

I was slowly progressing, and the contractions were getting worse. We decided around 10:30am to do the epidural and start pitocin to “get things moving along.” If I was terrified of one thing, it was the epidural. The thought of a huge needle being injected into my spine just didn’t sound like a lot of fun. It wasn’t as bad as I anticipated. The only bad thing is that while Eric was holding my leg, I jumped a little as the needle went in. Eric went straight to the ground and almost passed out. One of the nurses went and got him juice and helped him while we finished the epidural process. Poor guy. I was so worried about him! He came to and started feeling a little better. I told him that he better be OK during the actual birth part and not pass out on me.

Once I had the epidural, my legs died, contractions became stronger, and I started becoming more uncomfortable than I have ever felt in my entire life. Every half hour, a nurse and Eric would have to turn me over because I felt so much pressure on the side of me that I was laying on. Then, my stomach started itching like crazy and when I would attempt to scratch it, it just tingled.

Things in view that entire miserable day leading up to Lewis’s birth.

In the meanwhile, we had General Conference on the TV and I was trying to focus on the talks given. I don’t remember a single talk.

Around 5pm, I was dilated to a five or six. That’s when I started feeling overwhelmingly nauseous and began puking my guts out every half hour. The nurse tried to comfort me and said that throwing up was a good sign that the end is near. It was awful.

Finally, 8:30pm came and the doctor came in, ready to have me start pushing. I went into complete beast mode and 45 minutes later, he was here. Eric didn’t pass out. In fact, he held my left leg, counted, and was the best support I could have asked for during the delivery. I don’t know what I would have done without him. He gave me sips of water in between pushes. He was one hundred percent attentive to me and my needs, amid the chaos of nurses in and out of the room, and everything that was going on while I pushed. I also remember my nurse, Erin (who used to be my Relief Society President and wins national Cross Fit championships) kept trying to make me breathe through this oxygen mask that seemed to be sucking any oxygen that I had available to me. I just ripped it off over and over and it was one of the more annoying things that was in my way of giving birth to baby Lew.

The nurses had to take him away right after he was born because they needed to clean him up a little bit because there was some meconium in the amniotic fluid. Eric went over and looked at him while the nurses cleaned him up. He told me that at that moment, he thought to himself what his name should be (Theodore or Lewis were our two choices). He knew he looked like a Lewis but didn’t say anything until I held him and once I did, Eric asked me what his name should be and without a doubt, I knew his name should be Lewis.

We chose the name Lewis because it happens to be the name of Eric’s grandpa Lewis Heaps, and my great-grandpa Lewis Olpin. Two grandpas on both sides of the family. I can’t wait to learn more about them and to be able to teach Lewis about how he is named after two different grandpas.

Anyway, he arrived. Even after Lewis came into the world, my nausea didn’t stop. The nurses told Eric to order food ASAP because the food place was about to close. So Eric got on the phone and I started puking and puking again. I am not even kidding, Eric was literally asking me what kind of gravy I wanted with my roast beef while I was puking my guts out. I just looked at him like, “are you serious?!”

Pictures of Lew right after birth. He had battle wounds on his head from my sharp pelvis! Poor thing.

The rest of the little details are a little bit of a blur. The next day, my mom came and stayed with me all day while Eric had to take some tests at SUU. Nurses and doctors came in and out and gave me so much advice. Advice that changed with every single nurse. It wasn’t until after we were home for a couple of days that I realized that no matter what anyone tells me I should do, or how to do it, or this is the very best way…. I just need to choose what’s best for me, Lewis, and my family. It really started getting so overwhelming. So many people, with good intentions, have so much advice to offer freely to me as a new mom. I appreciate every single word. I also am grateful that now I can make my own decisions as Lewis’s mother.

Grandma Jody, Aunt Melanie, and Grandma KK at the hospital. Then Lewis in his car seat to finally go home!

My mom stayed the rest of that week and helped us so much. She made like fifteen frozen meals that we were able to just put in the crockpot and enjoy. Relief Society sisters, neighbors and friends brought meals as well. The outpouring of support and love was overwhelming and so much appreciated.

The thing that I will remember the most about Lewis’s birth is the spirit that filled the room once he came. I kept praying and praying to feel my dad’s presence. I am so grateful that I did. I felt his presence right before Lewis was born. Next to marrying my best friend in the Provo, UT temple, it was one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever felt. I felt it while I was surrounded by nurses, machines, noises, and complete chaos. I know Heavenly Father was watching over me and made sure that we were able to all go home as a family without any complications.

I am so grateful that Lewis is a healthy boy. So many families have their babies too soon, have serious complications, or even lose their newborn babies. I feel so blessed and will be forever grateful for every single day that Lewis is with us and is doing OK. He’s a miracle.

Here’s the picture overload of Lewis’s first three weeks of life:

Here it goes…

December 7, 2014December 7, 2014/kariheaps/1 Comment

Welcome to my first post on my new blog! I wanted to start blog once I became pregnant because I think this is a great way to keep a journal of my experience of becoming a new mom. Eric (my husband) and I are expecting our first child coming in April, 2015. It’s a boy!

My resting boys. I am already out-numbered, why not bring another boy into our little family?! He’ll fit right in.

So far, pregnancy has been an interesting experience and I have been learning a lot of things about myself. First, I would like to list the things about pregnancy that have been ~~difficult~~ a great learning opportunity for me:

Your body changes in ways that you may or may not be prepared for emotionally.
You are extremely emotional, period.
You might not have the energy to keep up with house cleaning, laundry, and self-image maintenance (shaving, waxing, nails, hair, etc.)

Then I find that I am constantly asking myself so many questions:

Am I going to be a good mom?
What if we can’t afford everything our baby needs?
Will he be healthy?
Will he like me?
Will I be able to lose all the pregnancy weight?

Gym Selfie taken last week: 23 weeks pregnant

Though it has been easy to track the hard things and worry, I feel so blessed. I am about to become the one thing that I know is a part of my purpose on this earth: a mom. I can’t wait to learn and grow with Eric and figure out how to be the best parents we can to our new baby boy.

…how I am tracking my progress. I have been trying to get to the gym at least 4 times a week. My goal is to reach 5 times a week.

…what I eat almost every morning. 1/2 cup oatmeal, 1/2 cup egg whites, 1 T honey, fresh fruit. It’s like heaven and fuels my body for hours! Thanks to my sister Holly for the idea.

Right now, I am trying to focus my good and bad energy on being healthy, working out, and counting my blessings. Like this scripture (that happened to be one of my dad’s favorites) says:

Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.

-Doctrine and Covenants 58:27-28.

Baby boy, I can’t wait to meet you. I will keep doing my best for the both of us.

Dear Kristi,

Here's what's happening down here while you're up there.

Author: kariheaps

Kristi

Holly

Little Glimpses of Light

Life with Lewis

Lewis Eric Heaps

Here it goes…

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