Kristi,

Do you know how often I think about you? I was checking out at Walmart the other night with the “nice lady” who is my favorite checkout lady at Walmart. She also works at the hospital. She is the nicest stranger I know. She asked me how old my kids were. Then asked if I am going to combine their birthdays since they’re so close. I told her, most likely not because I had to SHARE my birthday every year with you.

I told her that I was a twin and you always picked the cake. White cake with white buttercream frosting. I always wanted German chocolate cake. She asked if we are identical, and I told her how you have beautiful olive skin and got the best tans in the summer. She was shocked. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to talk about you in present or past tense. I get that mixed up every time I talk about you. Because to me, you still exist–especially when I’m alone driving your car, doing the dishes while listening to our favorite music, or in the middle of the hardest workout ever.

I didn’t tell her that you died twelve days before our 29th birthday in 2016 and how much our birthday sucks now. This time of year is hard for everyone in our small family of four (Hol, Tommy, mom, and I).

Here’s a glimpse of this month in pictures:

I started teaching 2D Design at SUU. So far, it has been a fun class to teach and I love my students’ energy and effort. Here are some of their work:

At home art students:

Found the BUBLY JACKPOT in Cedar City.  I also earned some new cleaning stuff-that happens to be the BEST STUFF I’VE ever used.

Found the BUBLY JACKPOT in Cedar City.

Earned some new cleaning stuff-that happens to be the BEST STUFF I’VE ever used.

Earned some new cleaning stuff-that happens to be the BEST STUFF I’VE ever used.

Found the BUBLY JACKPOT in Cedar City.

I have been improving little by little in my CrossFit workouts. I also landed a sweet gig to sit a few times a week at the gym to pay for my membership! I can’t tell you how much this place and the coaches have changed my life for the better. I am saving my own life one burpee, deadlift, push press, wall ball, jumping pull-up, front squat, overhead squat, and crappy double under at a time.

I miss you, I love you.

Love, Kari

Kristi,

I first want to say that this year has been one of the best of my life. No trips, no fancy purchases, no Kristi. But a good year. I still miss you, but the pain has eased. During this time in 2016, I was a big, emotional mess. I shut out some important people (including my husband) in order to find some way to sort out grieving your loss. I’m STILL grieving your loss and I am still mad at you for it. But I do love my life here and the people still alive in it-so I promise you I will try every day to be happy.

This year, Eric has been working hard and diligently in both careers as a police officer and an artillery officer in the National Guard. Lewis has learned to talk back to me and also recognizes my feelings and the feelings of others. Cici was born and it felt like she came straight from your arms.

Here is 2018 in pictures:

The year started where 2017 left: big, tired, sick, and pregnant. A lot of days were spent on the bed or couch with Lewis watching Willy Wonka, Greatest Showman, Lion King, Moana, and Leap Frog (which didn’t make me feel AS guilty).

Then on occasion, with the help and support of Eric, we got out of the house… Lewis even went to his first SUU basketball game with Grandma Jody and Joey. He also spent a lot of time with his very best friends. He loves going to Claire and Noah’s. Rachel and Ray Trujillo are some of my very favorite people for taking him once a week so he can spend time playing with Claire, Noah, baby James, Brooke, Sidney, and Miles (not pictured). Lewis especially loves playing with Sidney and tells me all about her pretty dresses.

Lewis turned three and also potty trained this year!

Then Cecilia Mae Heaps was born on April 17, 2018. She is perfect. And thank goodness her birth was so easy-because being pregnant with her was hell on earth and I was sick the entire 9 months.

She is now almost 9 months. She goes to bed at 5:30pm, wakes up between 7-8am, and loves everyone and everything. We love having her in our family. I am so grateful Lewis has a baby sister. He loves making her laugh. And she just learned to clap her hands!

I can’t believe we have two healthy, beautiful blonde babies. I can’t believe they’re mine and I am so grateful to be their mom.

We celebrated mom’s 60th birthday. We took family photos, went to the temple for you, ate at the last restaurant you and I went to together (Pizzeria 712), and missed you the entire day.

Oh, and I formed the Cedar City Synchronized Swim team and competed against some other teams in Las Vegas, Farmington, Provo, and San Clemente. It was the funniest thing I have ever done and I love the friends who chose to be silly with me.  This also helped distract me from the late-onset post-partum depression I was battling. Laughing always helps. I need to do more stuff like this. It also is a great way to find friends who also just want to freaking laugh their faces off and not care what our bodies look like after having babies. And rock that PP bod with pride.

Halloween was also fun.

It was this time that I emotionally, physically, and mentally hit rock bottom. I felt fat, depressed, overwhelmed, tired, and everything bad. I felt desperate and made a consultation appointment with a stranger at CrossFit Cedar City. I told him that I was depressed. I told him that I had been wanting to try Crossfit for a while but was too scared and also couldn’t afford it.

Then he told me how much a membership cost. I thanked him, went to my car, and bawled my eyes out because I knew we couldn’t afford it.

I made a plan and focused on solutions. With the help of my best friend, sister, and Eric’s support, I started teaching art lessons from home so I could afford my membership.

IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE.

I feel happy more often than not, I don’t shame myself when I look in the mirror, and most of all, I am learning every day to channel my grief of your loss, post-partum depression, and anxiety into my workouts. I love it. I love the people there.

I have a long way to go, but I’m going.

Photo credit: https://www.facebook.com/crossfitcedarcity/

Here are the last photos of the year:

This year has taught me to truly live my life without you physically here. I miss you, Kristi. I promise to keep trying every day until I see you again.

2018 was a good one.

Love,

Kari

Kristi, if you were still here, I would have called you IMMEDIATELY after this happened because I could not stop laughing.

A couple weeks ago, Lewis came into the kitchen with his hand down his pants. He asked, “Mom! What IS this?”

Me: “What is what?”

Lewis: “This thing! On my bum!” He was holding one of his balls.

Me: “It’s one of your balls. It’s what boys have. Don’t touch it, ok?”

Lewis: “We’ve got to cut it open and bounce it!”

Me:

Some more interesting things about Lewis right now as of this day on December 18, 2018:

• He hates macaroni and cheese. What three year old boy HATES MAC AND CHEESE? Mine does.
• He talks back to me all day and loves me all day. Our relationship feels a little dysfunctional.
• He asks me what I am doing ALL DAY. Also, if I take a shower, he asks me where I’m going. That may say a lot about my mental health/stability.
• He loves to help me. If I ask him to throw something away, he will do it. His other chores include taking Chase out to go potty, bringing back inside, keeping Cici happy if I’m trying to get something done, singing to Cici, and putting stuff away.
• He asked Santa for a bunny this year. Probably because he was Ralphie for Halloween and now loves watching the Christmas Story.
• He loves snuggling with me and I love it right back 10 times more.
• He mentions you at least once a day now. I love it so much.
• He tried gyosa when I made it for dad’s birthday on Sunday. He didn’t like it.
• 

Love you, Kris.

Love, Kari

Kristi, you would laugh so hard if you hung out with Lewis these days. He’s hilarious. When he gets angry with me, he throws in some mean comeback that always ends with “EITHER!” For example:

Me: Lewis, if you clean up your blocks and cars, we can go play outside!

Lewis: I’m not cleaning up my blocks and cars! I don’t want to play outside EITHER!

Every time he comes back at me with something like this, I try not to laugh and put him in timeout.

He is starting to understand more of who you are and how you’re important. I wear your clothes and hoodies all the time. He knows which clothes are mine and which ones are yours. When I wear your stuff he says, “Is that Kristi’s sweatshirt? She’s your twin sister.” We visited your grave on Tuesday and I think that’s when he gets a bit confused… For now, I just like the fact that he knows you, your clothes, and that you’re my twin sister.

Cici is a dream. She sleeps all night, smiles all day. Except when she is super hungry and you’re giving her a bottle. If you don’t give it to her fast enough, she will scream in your ears. She is so bossy already and can’t even sit up on her own yet. She watches Lewis play and giggles at things he does. She loves him. And he loves her.

When I am trying to get some things done and she starts getting a little fussy, I say, “Lewis, go play with Cici so she will be happy!” and he says, “OK!” and runs to her and entertains her by playing or singing songs until I return. He is an amazing big brother. He also loves meeting new friends and asking them questions.

I love and miss you every day.

XOXO,

Kari

I needed a change in this space. I thought I would start writing my public journal as letters to you. There are so many times that I want to call and tell you about the funny things Lewis says and does, and how Cici is starting to scream in my ears.

So this blog is for you. Really for me.

This year has been a bit of a blur since March 7, 2016. And even though this was the year I lost my twin sister, other stuff happened too. Here’s my 2016 recap in pictures:

It started in Fort Sill, Oklahoma and my baby turned 9 months.

And I successfully completed the Whole 30 diet.

I worked out at the hotel gym (we lived in a hotel apartment).

And I cut my hair off.

This girl was my best friend in OK and kept me sane and happy. She also helped me get back into shape.

Oklahoma weekends with these two.

Lost Kristi.

Celebrated ONE year!

Received flowers from Eric.

Moved from Oklahoma to Cedar City, Utah into the same house we lived in while attending school.

Went on a couple dates.

And lots of hikes.

Spent lots of days training for the new museum with an incredible group of people.

Went on more hikes and a spent a fun-filled week with these two nephews.

Spent a peaceful day in Zion with my older sis.

Opened the Southern Utah Museum of Art.  And cried joyful tears.

Celebrated July 4th with family. (I don’t know why the picture is so small).

Played Pokemon GO for like a week with Eric and then got sick of it.

Enjoyed some plays at the Engelstad Theatre at the Utah Shakespeare Festival

Finished a wreath I started five years ago.

Landed a dream job with a dream team and supportive boss.

Released balloons for Kristi and to educate children to NEVER NEVER take drugs.

Trick-or-Treated with Superman.

Spent days working with a toddler.

Spent time with this toddler. And loved every single minute.

Survived over two weeks without Eric and took Lewis to visit Santa solo. He had SO much fun.

Painted some walls at the museum. And realizing that there is a lot to manage in a museum. And learn. And grow. I love my job.

Survived Lewis’s first violent flu episode on our way to Provo for Christmas break. Poor kid in Kristi’s sweater to keep from freezing to death in puke-covered clothes.

Celebrated Christmas…

without Kristi. And it was ok. This picture is of my mom and I at her grave on Christmas.

I am excited for a new year. There are many good things ahead.

After surviving a 48-hour debilitating migraine headache, I woke up this morning feeling energized and great. I made some turkey meatballs and cleaned the kitchen and by the time Lewis went down for his nap, I was finally ready to clean out my car–which is actually Kristi’s car. I called it her car because it still smelled like her and it hasn’t been cleaned out since she left. I think I have been secretly putting off cleaning it because I didn’t want to cover her smell and life she left behind in the one thing I have left that was used daily by her.

First, I am so grateful to have her car. My mom bought it and gave it to us because we have been surviving with one car between the three of us for the past year and it has been a difficult to say the least. It is exactly how Kristi left it: bent a little with the front bumper taped on with ducked tape. This was from a little wreck she got in the last time I saw her in October… (but that’s another story). I love it and I love that it was Kristi’s and that now it has Lewis’s car seat and toys in the back. Thanks, mom.

So I finally got the willpower to clean that sucker out. It has been driving me nuts because if you know me, you know I like keeping my car clean. However, like I mentioned before, I didn’t want to clean up the remnants that Kristi left behind (weird, I know).

I found more than I wanted. I found remnants of her heroin addiction. I sat in the driver’s seat of where she most likely used over and over again. I sat and felt sick. I wanted to puke. I didn’t feel sick because I missed her being here. For the first time, I actually felt so relieved that she is not here. I felt sick because I realized that I was glad she wasn’t there in that driver’s seat instead of me.

I texted Holly and told her what I found and how I felt. She agreed and said she was living in her own hell. Alone. And that was her body’s addiction.

Now that battered, abused, tormented body that housed my twin sister is buried in the ground. It’s retired and laid to rest. Her soul is with my dad. My grandma. And other loved ones who have passed who love her and will help her in ways we couldn’t have here. And she is in a place where she can be free and grow…”brighter and brighter until the perfect day.”

Her soul now is with me when I am sad and when I need peace. Her soul while she was here on earth was taken by a drug addiction and was in total control of her agency.

She was more dead and gone while she was alive than she is now.

The first year of your life was the last year of Aunt Kristi’s. She’s my twin sister. She died from a heroin overdose, but she was so much more than that. She was smart. Witty. Sensitive. Funny. And overly concerned for others. I’m sad that you didn’t come sooner because I wish you could have gotten to know her a little better. However, I am also so grateful you came when you did. You have saved me.

I miss her. I know she is with our Heavenly Father. I know He scooped her up out of a very dark, scary, crappy world she was living in. I know she is with Grandpa Ron and Grandma Jewel. She was lost and has been for a couple of years. She didn’t quite know how special she was. We all tried to save her and help her. No one and nothing could help her except herself.

She taught me a lot of things that I hope to teach you. She taught me to make efforts and reach out to others when it’s the last thing I feel like doing. She taught me that those times when I start feeling sorry for myself, are the times when I need to find someone else to feel sorry for and to find ways to help them. She taught me to not be afraid of acting silly or getting embarrassed. She taught me to not care so much about how I look or if my makeup is perfect. She taught me to be a loyal friend to those closest to me. She taught me to have fun and find things that will make me laugh. She taught me to listen to music loud in the car.

The last time we were with her, you were really small. Almost seven months old. You were in a funny stage where you didn’t like strangers and wanted me around all the time. You weren’t like that with Kristi. She got you up from naps, changed you, watched silly YouTube videos with you, and played with you. She made you laugh and you loved being around her. I’m so happy you met her. I know that I won’t be able to raise you and your future siblings without talking about her.

When we were living in Oklahoma, she would call and text me all the time for me to send her videos and pictures of you. She thought you looked exactly like Grandpa Ron did when he was your age. I loved our time in Oklahoma. But I wish I could have been physically closer to Kristi. I didn’t know she was struggling as bad as she was. I didn’t know that our short time we spent with her in October of 2015 was the last time we would have with her.

Lewis, I love Kristi. And I love you. And I know that Heavenly Father brought you here when He did so that you could help me remember what is most important when I am sad and miss Kristi. Our time here on earth is short and our purpose is to learn how to be happy; especially during the times when we don’t feel like being happy or even feel like we deserve happiness. One thing I learned when Grandpa Ron passed away, and again when Aunt Kristi died is to not take your family for granted. Grandma KK and Grandpa Ron made a choice to get married in the temple a long time ago. They did and because of their commitment and promise they made that day, they were sealed for time and eternity. That sealing automatically bound my siblings and I as a forever family. Because of these decisions made by grandma and grandpa, I will see Kristi again, and so will you.

She is with you. She will help you in ways she wouldn’t have been able to had she still been alive on this earth. She will also help me.

Your dad and I also decided to get married in the temple. Because of that, we will be a family forever and will not get separated if anyone of us dies. Death isn’t scary, it’s just hard because you miss the person so much. But knowing these gospel truths makes the pain a little more bearable and much more significant.

Don’t be afraid to share your testimony. Don’t be embarrassed to live the Gospel and to love your Savior. Right now, I am having a hard time getting out of bed and taking care of our family because I keep thinking about how much I miss Aunt Kristi. But I will keep getting out of bed and I will keep playing with you and reading to you and keeping you healthy and safe. You remind me every day that I have a bigger purpose than just living my life for me. Thank you for being a light during a dark and cloudy time as I learn to keep moving forward without Aunt Kristi.

Kristi’s headstone says, “…and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.” The perfect day is when we will all be together again.

I love you, Lewbugs.

Love,

Mom

Ten years ago, we packed up the car with all of my stuff and drove an hour and a half to Ephraim, UT. I didn’t know a single person or any of my roommates. We unloaded the car, bought some healthy groceries (the very first time I had to get my own groceries), helped me get settled, and then drove back.

On the way there, she told me all about staying close to Heavenly Father while I am on my own. She told me to pray.

She warned me about watching what I ate and continuing to workout in order to avoid putting on the “freshman fifteen.”

She told me to call her anytime.

I did call her. A lot. and e-mailed. A lot. She gave me advice on what to do about my crazy roommates. She helped me figure out what to do about all the boys I dated. She told me to focus on church, art, school, and working out. So I did.

Then she started having babies. I lived with her in Las Vegas when she had my first nephew, Lennon. I watched her learn how to be a mom. She figured it out. She was remarkable.

She had three more kids. She teaches them how to love the Lord. She talks to them about Grandpa Ron and how special he was. She remembers Grandma Jewel and how she taught her to put a little lipstick on before her husband comes home from work. She is beautiful.

She has an incredible work ethic. She wakes up at 6am, works out, comes home, and tames all the wild beasts in her home like Wonder Woman. She reads to them. She listens to scriptures with them. She teaches them how to be good examples to their friends at school and church.

When I visit her, I pay attention to how she gets it all done. I listen to her advice.

She tells me that I need to stop stressing out. And to count my blessings.

She has helped me learn how to be a mom. A good mom. And to continue being healthy, happier, and grateful.

She has a strong testimony in faith, love, and service. Every time I have visited, she was always either putting together a gift basket, cooking a meal, or picking something up from the store for a friend in need.

She is constantly thinking of others. All the time. She has thought of me many times and has helped me when I needed her the most.

She is smart. She finished her Master’s Degree when she was pregnant with Lennon.

I look up to her. I am grateful for her and her testimony. She is one of the strongest women I know. I love her.